Emotions

Wow it’s been a long time since I posted. The last few days have really made me think I need to get back into blogging, as I am not good at keeping a journal. So in the last few days I have been on an emotional roller coaster of emotions and now on shaky ground and not sure how to proceed.

Emotion one Grief: Last week my Young Women’s advisor passed away she was only 42 years old and left behind a husband and two kids. Although I had not seen her for many years she still held a dear place in my heart as she got me through some rough times as a teen. To say the least I was shocked how could someone so young, so loving, so spiritual leave this earth so soon with no warning. Then I thought of her family, her husband who found her, her son who just got married and his new wife. I then thought of her daughter who is good friends with my sister, at such a vulnerable age of 16. I then remembered when I was 16 and I don’t think I would have made it through those teen years with out my mother. I thought I did not need parents to always look out for me and to tell me what to do I was an adult and I could make my own decisions. We yelled and screamed at each other countless times and we didn’t see eye to eye. But when I broke up with a guy or had a hard day I always went to her for advice. And as the years went by and I grew up, yes I grew up matured a little, I realized that my mother was and is my best friend. So my heart goes out to my Young Women’s leader’s family but my heart breaks for her 16 year old daughter who just lost her best friend, she may not realize it now but that is what a mother is to her grown daughter, a best friend.

Emotion two longing: So over the weekend after the funeral we went to a dear friends house for dinner and so that my husband could help her husband install a ceiling fan. The night was good we went Target with the kids and picked up dinner so we were out of the guys way. As the hours passed and the fan still not working we put the kids to bed and then watched as they tried to figure it out. Now I know that this may not make since that I was longing for something other than my bed but I was. My dear friend you see is pregnant she is about to give birth to I am sure a perfect baby boy (hopefully sooner than later). So as you may know babies are more active at night or when the mom is being still. As the late hours of the night turned into the wee hours of the morning her little one became active. I could see him kicking and moving in her tummy. And all I could do is wish that I could one day feel that same feeling. Even though it must have been painful but the miracle of having a baby grow inside you and feeling that precious little one move has got to be amazing. Now some of you are saying but, but you have a little girl. I know I am truly blessed to have Charlie in my life and would not trade her for anything. But I still at times long to be pregnant to be normal and not have to fight the pain that my body has betrayed me. So as I sat in her chair rocking my dear sweet and sometimes mischievous little Charlie I could not stop myself from longing to be pregnant. Which if you know me I have struggled to over come. I have succeeded at times and failed at others. So I will end this emotion by stating, me ever being pregnant again is not in the cards for us. As I try to shut, lock and board up that path in my life I know that this longing feeling will sometimes unlock the door break down the boards and open the door once again and it may happen more often than I would like. All I have to do is remember the path that we are on with adoption and how strong my testimony has become because of it. And the miracle that we received a little over a year ago by receiving Charlie was a true blessing and answers to my prayers. I am sure I will feel this longing again when I go visit my dear friend in the hospital and hold her new little boy in my arms but I will go home and hold my little girl and remember God has chosen this path for me for a reason and maybe one day I will be able to put this longing behind me.

Emotion three Gratitude: Now after not so fun emotions I am truly grateful for what I have. In the past year we have experienced many great blessings the most obvious is being able to adopt Charlie, then 6 months later going to court and having a judge sign off on the adoption than the next day go to the temple as a family and have Charlie sealed for time and all eternity to Derek and I, what a wonderful weekend. Over the next few months we enjoyed just being a family. Going “trick-or-treating” for the first time to spending her first Thanksgiving together and watching her learn how to crawl. Then came Christmas. Charlie was so spoiled and so was I. New Years came and went without a bang for us. I got a new position at work and Charlie started walking (not this little accomplishment is keeping us on our tows). Then a little over a week ago Derek accepted a new job which is lateral for now but has room for growth which he did not have at his last job. I know that we are truly blessed that we have a beautiful roof over our head clothes on our back and food in our tummies.

Emotion four wanting: I am not sure that this should be counted as and emotion but I am fed up with how I look and feel. The past few years I have not taken care of myself as I should. I put on a lot of unwanted weight after losing the baby 3+ years ago and the bad eating habits I have learned. Over the last few years I have yo-yoed on and off diets but now its time for a life style change. So about a month ago I looked at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw so I hit rock bottom and am taking charge of my life. So I started Weightwatchers. I am losing weight and seeing deference. I have goals set and want and need to look good for my self. So I am trying to decide if I should put on the swimsuit (one that I want to fit back into by the time we go on the cruise in December) and take a picture but to be honest I am a little scared. I think it will help me keep motivated but still not sure so I will think about it…….


So as I end this emotional list of things I have been feeling I hope that I can continue to grow and over come some of these feelings but other I hope to hold stronger to and draw from.